Love In the Time of Corona
How To Pull Off An Exciting Date Night At Home
By Dr. Diana Wiley
As the pandemic drags on, life in lockdown is taking a serious toll on our mental and sexual health. For singles faced with social distancing, this sexual dry spell may be sadly unavoidable.
For couples, it may be a different story. The enforced closeness that comes with quarantining together has often increased the friction between couples. Being in the same space with your partner for an extended period can magnify your sense of annoyance at your partner's quirks and kill your sexual desire.
Sound familiar? One simple, powerful way to counteract those pandemic blues: put your date night on the calendar. That's right: schedule time for sex!
That’s a great strategy, because having more sex is a proven stress-reliever. And that’s in addition to the fun and pleasure you’ll enjoy. But don’t fall for the myth that good sex has to be spontaneous. If you wait around for that sudden moment of passion to erupt, you can wait a long time. Plus, the stresses of being in quarantine further diminish the likelihood of such moments.
One key to a successful date night at home is having and expressing clear intentions. Take time to communicate and agree on what each of you wants from your date night at home. And then set the date.
If it turns out that one of you is really not in the mood for sex when date night arrives, then give your lover a rain check: a commitment that you will reschedule your date night soon, hopefully after just a day or two.
Anticipate the Passion
Now that you have written DATE NIGHT on the calendar, you may begin to feel some anticipation. Perhaps you start imagining some romantic aspects of your upcoming evening, such as whispers of sweet nothings and other expressions of love and desire from your partner.
Maybe you can actually sense what it will feel like to be in your bedroom with clean sheets, scented candles, romantic music, and dim lights. You may begin to get excited about the prospect of having hot, passionate sex.
This is great anticipatory foreplay, but I recommend that you do some planning first so that you both can get the most from your date night.
Image by SJ via Unsplash
It’s a good idea to propose some kind of activity to help the two of you reconnect before you jump into bed. Again, taking it slowly will really pay off. Perhaps you can cook a meal together, watch a romantic or sexy movie, or take a bubble bath or shower together. (I provide additional details and suggestions in my book, Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine.)
The idea is to discuss what you want to have happen. Or maybe not—one of you may prefer to surprise the other person. Sometimes a little mystery about an upcoming event can trigger the release of dopamine, which may add to the arousal. You could take turns planning the evening on successive date nights. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. The important thing is to do some planning and preparation so that the experience feels special.
Set the Scene
As you prepare for the evening, pay extra attention to setting the scene for a romantic or sexy time together. Take time to clean the bedroom, especially, but also other rooms in the house where you will spend time on your date, such as the kitchen, living room, or dining room.
Another part of setting the scene is your personal appearance and hygiene. Don’t attend your date night at home in the dirty pajamas you have been wearing for days. Make the effort to do your shower/shave/etc. routine before your date. Put on some nice clothes. Have some sexy lingerie at hand. Your partner will very much appreciate your attention to detail.
Most of all for your bedroom, create a warm, sensual space where you will feel free to relax and let go of any worry or anxiety for a few hours.
Some Guidelines
Here are a few guidelines regarding alcohol, privacy, and preparing for your date night.
If you drink alcohol, do so only in moderation. Having one or maybe two drinks can enhance your mood for romance and sex. But too much might cause performance issues for men, inhibited orgasms for women, or drowsiness for either of you. Be mindful about your alcohol use and don’t spoil your date night by becoming too intoxicated.
Make this your special time alone together. If you have other family members in the house, tell them that you need some private time without interruptions. If you have young children at home, you may need to schedule your date night for later in the evening after the kids have gone to bed. If you don’t have one already, install a privacy lock on your bedroom door. Turn off your phones or leave them in another room. Try to take care of any potential demands ahead of time. The goal is for you and your lover to be fully present in the moment and engaged with each other.
Savor the anticipation and leverage it with your partner. As you go through the day leading up to your date night, pay extra attention to your mate. Be helpful around the house or apartment. Put some simple love notes in unexpected places for a pleasant surprise. Give a back rub and whisper naughty suggestions about the evening ahead.
Cure Your Blues
It’s important to keep your relationship vital and energized as much as you can during the time you are quarantined together. Planning some date nights at home is an excellent way to connect and strengthen your relationship. And you’ll enjoy some sexual pleasure, too!
Give yourselves permission to thoroughly enjoy the sensuality and sexual power each of you brings to your date night. All of these preparations can enhance the intensity of your connection and impart deeper meaning to your relationship … and perhaps cure your pandemic blues!
Dr. Diana
Author of Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine
Dr. Diana Wiley, PhD, has practiced for more than thirty years as a licensed marriage and family therapist, a board-certified sex therapist, and a gerontologist. Since 2010, she has hosted the online radio show “Love, Lust, and Laughter” on Progressive Radio Network. Dr. Diana has published two studies in medical journals on aging and sexuality and was appointed as a Clinton Presidential Delegate to the 1995 White House Conference on Aging, where she was the only delegate to speak about love and sexuality.
For more information, visit her relationship advice website at www.DearDrDiana.com.