By Randy Rolfe

Best-selling author of eight books on family life, parenting, and lifestyle, Randy Rolfe is a family therapist, nutrition educator, media personality, and digital marketer, and also a former lawyer with a masters degree in theology.

Have you ever wondered how even people close to you can react so differently to the same stressful situation? I remember early in our marriage my husband and I were facing financial difficulties. I thought the natural and obvious thing was to talk it out and brainstorm until we found solutions, but he didn’t want to talk about it at all. Instead he wanted us to analyze it on our own to figure out how it all happened. So you can imagine we’ve had some fireworks, until I discovered the 5 step process I want to share with you here.

Most people would agree that this has been the most stressful year in over a generation, perhaps the most stressful ever for many people today. We face new health risks for family, friends and ourselves; unpredictable work, school and income schedules; crazy choices about how to get basic supplies and necessities; and major disruptions to the social interactions which we have taken largely for granted until now.

However, there is another area of stress that is not mentioned as much but can be a big factor in our lives, and that is, dealing with family members who have dramatically different reactions to these many stresses.

Of course we try to apply our emotional intelligence to bolster each other up, look toward the future, and be grateful for what we have going for us, but our bodies are designed to go into stress mode when things are uncertain, unpredictable and scary. And different people react different ways, so there’s a whole other layer of interpersonal stress.

So let’s look at the four classic ways of reacting to stress, and then the 5 steps to re-establish balance, so that these reactions don’t become new stress in themselves.

Ask yourself now, what is your typical response when you were feeling uncertain, fearful, angry or wanting.

There are mainly four classic stress responses, which you have probably noticed in yourself and others without really thinking about it. These four response types have been noticed by physicians and philosophers since classical times, over twenty-five hundred years ago and they were described by Shakespeare and others in their work.

And today we know exactly why each individual one of these four responses is most typical for them. Modern science has revealed that our hormones and the balance between them controls how we respond to stress.

So here are the four different responses when you’re under stress.

Do you tend to get angry and aggressive?

Do you get moody or depressed?

Do you get emotional and argumentative?

Or do you get stubborn and rebellious?

Each of these responses is a normal human response, so don’t think there is something wrong with you or others. Just say to yourself, or them, “We are both acting upset, but we obviously just react in different ways.” Then make these 5 steps your own. Once you see your results, you can encourage others to try them too, or even make adjustments which support them to re-establish balance, even without them knowing. You may be surprised how simple the 5 steps are. But they work because these four different stress reactions are stimulated by the four major hormones which are involved in our stress response and these steps work to keep these hormones in a healthy balance, so one doesn’t take over completely and cause exaggerated responses.

Step One – Craved Foods

Avoid snacking on foods that over-stimulate the dominant hormone that causes your typical response, and also avoid eating them at the time of day most likely to over-stimulate that hormone. Instead, enjoy them with a balanced meal which includes quality protein and lots of colorful vegetables, and if you snack, choose foods which help to stimulate the hormones which aren’t your dominant one.

If you tend to get angry, called choleric by the classics, limit your salty foods and red meat. These stimulate the adrenal gland, which you probably already recognize as the “stress hormone,” that causes the “fight, flight or freeze” response. Morning is the time adrenal hormones are most likely to be overstimulated, so keep breakfast modest.

If you tend to get moody, called melancholic by the classics, limit your sweet foods, sugars and carbohydrates, including candies, sodas, and refined grain products like white breads, bagels, pasta and pastries. Any time of day the thyroid hormone can get overstimulated because it reacts quickly to isolated sugars and starches.

If you get argumentative, called sanguine by the classics, limit your creamy, fatty and spicy foods, including cheeses, shellfish, rich dips, curries, peppers, and pumpkin spice. These are aphrodisiac foods, known to stimulate the sex or gonadal glands which heighten emotion and desire for interaction. Evening is the danger time for the sex hormones so don’t eat late.

If you get feeling stubborn, called phlegmatic by the classics, limit your milk products, like yogurt, ice cream, cheeses, and milk. Cow’s milk has a high content of pituitary hormone, known as the “growth hormone,” which under stress causes childlike symptoms, since it is designed for the young of a species. Morning is the danger time for the pituitary hormone, so limit milk products at breakfast.

Step Two – Temperature and Hydration

If you are the angry choleric type, considered hot and dry by the classics, you need to see that you are not over-heated and are well-hydrated. This type often has cardiovascular trouble, so we know these environmental steps are important. Salt and excessive heat and sweat can be very dehydrating without you noticing it.

If you are the moody melancholic type, considered cold and dry by the classics, see that you are feeling warm and fully hydrated. Cold and changeable weather can really affect this type, and it is easy to get thirsty without knowing it, especially if you are consuming sugar and carbohydrates which tend to dehydrate you. A weak tea can do wonders for this type.

If you are the argumentative sanguine type, considered hot and wet by the classics, see that you are not over-heated, sweating profusely, in a shower which is too hot for too long, or drinking too much hot liquid. Crisp dry snacks like fresh vegetables can be especially re-balancing.

If you are the rebellious phlegmatic type, considered cold and wet by the classics, see that you are cozy and warm, and keep humidity low. Think what makes a youngster feel good. This type can get cold very easily without noticing it, and can feel seriously out of sorts in a cold or wet environment, like on a rainy day.

Step Three – Sleep Patterns

Hormones tend to re-balance during the night, so quality sleep is extremely important when you’re under stress. Yet so often sleep is the first thing we sacrifice when there is so much going on, worries, schedules, and problems to solve.

If you are choleric, you are likely to believe you don’t need as much sleep as other people and work long hard hours during the day. When relaxed, you may easily fall asleep unexpectedly. Early to bed and early to rise works well for you, but don’t try to make it on less than 7 hours sleep. You are liable to burn out early in life and to offend others by your aggressiveness along the way.

If you are melancholic, you are likely to really enjoy sleep and you need a lot of it. But again under stress, you may cut it short, or find it hard to get to sleep or stay asleep because of worry and depression. Though you are easily bored by routine, do make it a habit to get to bed before midnight and allow yourself at least 8 hours of sleep, preferably close to 9. You will find you will feel more calm, relaxed and focused even under stress.

If you are sanguine, you need to be sure not to stay up late making your great argument points. The sex glands are most active at night and can get you overwrought under stress. You need a regular routine of at least 8 hours sleep and to go to bed within 2-3 hours of finishing dinner.

If you are phlegmatic, you need the most sleep of all. Be sure not to stay up late, so that you can be energized for the morning. As with a growing child, sleep is essential for restoring the active pituitary hormone to balance.

Step Four – Relationship with Nature

Nature is the ultimate healer and re-balancer. In the ancient classic works on the four types, each was associated with one of the four elements of nature. These are good hints on how to align with nature to help keep your hormones in balance.

If you are choleric, your key element is the sun or fire. Too much sun or heat can hurt, but getting outdoors and into the light can be great for reducing your stress response. Plan to be outdoors at least for a half hour each day, and more when times are stressful. And don’t forget to relax. This type often goes outdoors only for vigorous exercise.

If you are melancholic, your key element is earth and greenery. Native American healers recommend that troubled patients sit or lie on the ground until they feel relaxed and re-energized. Nature is a great antidote for depression. Be sure to take off your shoes and feel the energy of the earth replenish you from below.

If you are sanguine, your key element is air or wind. People who are perpetually argumentative have been called “full of hot air” or “windbag.” Don’t go there. Go outside and breathe slowly and deeply to calm yourself, and watch the clouds move through the blue sky to feel at peace.

If you are phlegmatic, your element is water or ocean. Walk by a stream, watch the rain, go often to the beach if you can. Be playful like a child when outdoors and spend at least a half hour each day to center yourself and feel your freedom.

Step Five – Follow Your Bliss

Today we hear so often to follow our passion and pursue our unique interests for success and happiness. This is especially important when we’re under stress. Feeling like you are doing something you love is critical to controlling your stress response. Otherwise your brain tells you that you’re in a crisis and tells your hormones to exaggerate your reactions. Even though time may seem less available than ever before, don’t short-change this step. It can make a world of difference for how you respond to the people you care about and to the challenges around you.

If you are choleric, your classic interests and gifts are related to leadership and being the best at what you do. So be grateful for your responsibilities in any group and know that you have what it takes to lead and inspire.

If you are melancholic, your classic interests and gifts are related to creativity, freedom of expression, and liberty. This type is especially attentive to detail and perfecting their art or scientific endeavors.

If you are sanguine, your classic interests and gifts are related to communication, hope and possibility, and bringing people together in love and community. So reach out to others and share your values and experiences in a spirit of fun and contribution.

If you are phlegmatic, your classic interests and gifts are steadfastness, team-building, learning and mastery, and loyalty. To reduce your stress response, take up a new skill or subject that you would like to master and ask others to engage with you in a common goal.

So now go ahead and start with the first step. Get your diet working for you. And then add a new step once you feel you are sensing the benefits of the previous step. Not only your stress response but also your energy level, self-esteem, sense of calm and patience, and overall health can only improve with these 5 steps.

To find out more about the four classic types, their modern scientific basis, and how they can benefit you in so many ways, get a copy of Randy’s book **The Four Temperaments: A Rediscovery of the Ancient Way of Understanding Health and Character**

Four Temperaments Book Link

Four Classic Stress Responses and The Five Steps For Moving Beyond Them